The Girl With Gray Eyes

Reader Discretion is Advised. Mature Content

I’m making it a point of doing this page only in the wee hours of the morning when I am either unable to sleep or recently woken up by a certain annoying dream. I’d like to emphasize the annoyingness of this entire experience.

I believed when I booked my first regression appointment that it was the beginning of the end. Not in a morbid sense, but I believed that the drowning nightmares that had plagued me for most of my life would soon end. From what I had understood in the books and media I had watched, once you uncover a past life, it would dissipate. You see chunks of a person’s life in regression or dreams. Very much like watching a movie, but only seeing a scene or two at a time. Once you get the whole movie, you watch the past life and make peace with it. Finding who you were, seeing their life, and understanding what they went through “breaks the spell” if you will. It frees the attachment they have to you, and the hold that they carry on your life. It severs the connection between lives and they float away from you like purging a demon during an exorcism. Bye-bye, birdie. it’s over.

Well, where’ my freedom? I feel as if I’ve been lied to. I did three regressions, I saw plenty. I know Ida’s name. I know where she lived. I know her family, what they looked like, who they were, how they were, how she got on with them. The dynamics and relationships in her life; I saw her world and the people in it. Not just her world either. I saw Titanic in all of her splendor. I felt the joy to be there, the longing to stay there. I saw the sinking, felt the cold of the water. I saw Ida’s death from both inside the body and outside. Felt every horrifying feeling you can imagine. Why is this not over? I’m not getting much out of the regressions; It’s almost a waste of time since I’m blocking something out and not able to realize what it is or how to unblock it.

The 2021 session of this mess started on September 9th. As per usual, it should last close to 30 days. Yay!!(sarcasm) (Update: It ended November 17th.)There is a 2021 twist to it this year though. This year, in an addition to drowning, I also get to wander around the ship in my current body. The downside is that I only see the promenade deck on the starboard side and no matter how long I walk, I never get any further. I don’t pretend to understand that level of reasoning. It is however nice to get a change of pace.

The last part is the most disturbing. On October 9th, I had the most peculiar of dreams. Something I’ve debated sharing. I got a Titanic sex dream.

Yes, really. Something that is giggled about over and over with Rose and Jade is that we all have our “Do-over” wishes. We all had someone on the ship that we had a hankering to get with and wish for a time machine to make it true. Still a bit unsure if the White Star Line deliberately hired male models for crew members. Rose, Jade, and I wish that we could take our “pick of the litter” and find a place aboard to ship to “climb them like a tree”. As much fun as the sex fantasies go, they’ve never actually gone anywhere before. It was Paul who suggested that perhaps what I am blocking out may, in fact, be that fantasy. Perhaps Ida and Henry were doing the horizontal tango after all and that may be what I am blocking.

Before you ask why anyone would block that. There are things to consider. Firstly, it was 1912 and they weren’t married. That’s a big no-no and I can imagine there would be some post-sex regret for Ida. Secondly, guys are sometimes jerks afterward. Any girl can tell you of a time they let a guy take them for a ride, and he was “done and gone before she got her dress back on”. Always pretending they don’t recognize you after the deed is done. Possible Henry was one of these. Lastly, the darkest of the theories. How would Henry ask Ida for consent? He didn’t speak Finnish and she didn’t speak English. There’s a possibility of forced rape there. I do know that there is a long-standing rumor that a rape did take place the night the Titanic sank. However, it was supposedly a maid. I have heard of people uncovering cases of sexual assault via past life regression so I know the theory does exist. Because my brain loves to obsess about crazy-shit, I guess it stayed in the back of my mind until it had to come out.

So on October 9th, I got a very vivid, very graphic, pornhub worthy Titanic sex dream.

It started with Henry undressing Ida and himself at the car on G-deck. They climb in and awkwardly go at it missionary style. This is very awkward to watch as I am given a front-row seat to the backseat action. I am awake enough in the dream to know it’s a dream and form/hear my own commentary to this strange show. Watching from outside the body is one thing. Without warning, I placed into Ida’s body during the awkward sex. I can see, hear, feel like it’s real. While I am in shock over what is actually happening to me, the scenery changes. We are now in a room that I know to be my mind’s representation of Henry’s crew quarters.

I can see his double bunks, wardrobe, and desk in what looks like a spin-off of my college dorm room. Nothing has changed in terms of the dream. Henry and Ida are still in the same position, exactly as they were. Still going at it though Henry seems to have figure out what he’s doing as he’s confidently thrusting rather than awkwardly flailing around. I can hear men talking outside of Henry’s quarters. Ida is being quite loud and I panic at the thought of them being caught. They notice nothing. I realize there is not much room on this bottom bunk (Henry is quite tall) and boom, we’ve changed scenery again.

Now we are in my current bedroom in this life. Still going at it in in the same position, speed, ect. Nothing has changed for them, I seem to be the only one noticing the location changes. I am to be pulled out of the body to watch from the corner of the room. If you’re curious, yes I am forced to watch. No, I do not enjoy it. More like frozen in shock or deer in headlights behavior. I’m too stunned to get anything out of this. Henry moved Ida on top to the cowgirl position while I think of ways to wake myself up. Obviously, this isn’t a move that would have been permitted in 1912, likely not thought of either. This thought slams me back into Ida’s body. I am forced to ride the storm(pun completely intended) again until the event is finally over. As Henry settles himself beside Ida, I wake up.

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you get out of bed the next day, look at your reflection in the mirror, and yell “What the $#%@&?!” This was one of those times. I don’t know why I saw this but I do know it is not a memory. It is hilarious now to think of but was one of the most uncomfortable experiences I have had. I’m going to go bleach-wash my brain now.