April 15th, 2022

The Week of April 10th- April 15th, dubbed “Titanic Week”, is always an odd time for me. It’s a mixture of excitement, anxiety, and pure depression. The best explanation is that we mimic the emotions of our old selves.

Our little group has chatted about it this year and though we all experience a rush of emotion at the anniversary, it is not the same emotions at the same time.

I consider April 10th to be exciting, like a child at Christmas. It’s a rush of thrill, the air itself is electric and alive. I break out my favorite books on the ship and shop around for new ones.

April 11th is very much the same. Content and happy. I check out all of the streaming sites and youtube for anything new on the subject. If disappointed, then I will rewatch some of my favorite documentaries.

April 12th is the shifting of emotions. I still believe this is the day that Ida met Henry Dyer by accidentally tripping him on the stairs. At least the date on the menu confirms it was the 12th, while Ida’s plate confirms the food served matches the menu. It’s like the first warm day after a long, hard winter. You simply feel..alive. I spent the evening watching the 1997 Cameron movie.

April 13th is the game-changer. The excitement has worn off and it’s a comfortable feeling for the start. But there is a heavy feeling of dread in the gut. You know that feeling. Did I lock the door before bed? Did I turn the oven off before I left the house? That nagging feeling that something is off. You can’t concentrate on a film or read a book. There is too much nervous energy. This likely created the nightmare I ended up with.

I started out on Titanic halfway through the sinking in my current body. Knowing the fate of the liner and its 2200 people, I spring into action. I end up on Ida’s ill-fated path of running down corridors. Unlike her, I have spent enough time memorizing this ship to know exactly where I am going. I find her easy enough and drag her back to the gate on F deck where Henry is waiting. He looks confused to see the two of us and I’m forced to remember that according to most of those who have met me, they think Ida and I look alike. I wave off his obvious question and help him drag Ida up the stairs to the boat deck. It doesn’t take long for us to find a lifeboat and practically throw her ass in it. I feel slightly guilty at the look she’s giving us but it’s irrelevant. She won’t be seeing me again. I pull Henry along to a corner as they are filling Ida’s boat. He starts to protest that as a woman, I should be getting on the boat as well. Resisting the urge to roll my eyes at his 1912 attitude and wonder halfheartedly if his English culture made him this way or the early 20th century time. I grab a blanket from a passing woman’s shoulders and wrap it around his. He looks confused as I shove him over aboard. I wince as he falls and lands on his back into Ida’s lifeboat. A hand reaches for me and I pull myself away from it. There’s no room for me in this time and I can’t afford to take someone else’s place.

I run back inside the ship and nearly collide with a woman that is also dressed in pants. It’s my cousin “Rose”. Taking me by surprise, she doesn’t seem to notice. She’s dragging her past self Emily Ryerson and her family to the lifeboats. I choose to not say anything. I don’t need to distract her while she’s doing the same as I did. I watch as she joins them in lifeboat 4 before going inside. If she’s here, chances are that we are all here.

I make my way back to the grand staircase and go downwards to look for “Jade” and her past self Roger Bricoux. I don’t have to look for long, I find Jade making her way up the stairs when I grab her. She takes a minute to recognize me before we hug and I ask about Roger. She explains that he would be on the boat deck playing with the other musicians. I explain that Rose and Emily are safe, along with Ida and Henry. We reach the top of the A deck and we take a minute to breathe. It‘s harder than one thinks to do all that running around. I wonder off-hand what these people think seeing two girls dressed in “men’s clothing” while '‘Jade” is sporting her electric blue hair. I laugh at the idea of their odd looks.

Jade slaps at my hand to get my attention and I notice a man through one of the windows trying to help a woman into her life jacket. It’s Roger but I am stunned to see how much he and Jade truly look alike. Jade shouts his name and he looks up. I stupidly wave at him and he awkwardly returns the gesture with a clear look that says “Who the hell are these crazy people?”

Jade runs off to him while I still need a moment to catch up. I try to think. How much time is left for Titanic? If the musicians are playing on the boat deck then I don’t have long. E deck is flooded by now, the ship doesn’t have long. Ida was meant to die at 1:45 am. Titanic is gone at 2:20 am. Rose is safe with Emily. Ida and Henry are safe. I need to get Jade and Roger into a lifeboat someway. The officer on the portside allowed men into the lifeboats but the starboard side officer did not. I try to remember. Officer Murdoch on the port and Lighttoller on the starboard side? It’s been too long to remember. I’ll try to take them to the port side and get them on before I come back for Jack.

Turns out, I don’t have to come back. Jade comes back in and is too hyped up to speak properly when I noticed people leaving the hallway behind the grand staircase. It’s Jack Phillips in the front with Harold Bride lingering behind him. This shouldn’t be. The boys don’t leave until after 2 am when they are dismissed by Captain Smith. I smirk as I realize that Paul is with them. He is talking to Jack off to the side. Paul looks exhausted like he’s been arguing for days. Jack is tight-lipped as if he’s been told something unpleasant. I have a fairly good idea of what they’ve been discussing.

I simply wave when Paul looks up and his face goes blank. What’s the best way to handle this? “Oh look, we’re back?” No. “Fancy seeing you here?” No.

He makes his way over and I smile tiredly. “What’s up?”

“My God, (my name), you blasted idiot. That was the best you could do? ”

Paul explains that he has told the Marconi boys everything. I look at Jack for confirmation and he nods. I explain that I’ve secured four of the nine of us away on lifeboats. Jack perks up when I mention Emily but is unable to see her in the water. For some reason, He doesn’t believe me. While Jack and Paul argue about it, Jade waves to Harold who looks like he’d like to be anywhere but here.

I hear a crashing below and yell to Jade to just grab Roger and bring him here so we can at least move out together. I lean over the edge of the staircase to see the water rushing below and fall. Before I hit the water, I remember I am dreaming. The lucid periods are rare but most welcomed and I refuse to enter that water again. When I arrive at where the water should be, I wake up.

April 14th is the worst of it. I spent my day dragging out my “Last Dinner On The Titanic “ cookbook and spent half my paycheck buying groceries to try out some recipes. Ida loved the food on the ship so I’d treat us both to something worthy of the effort. The day passes with mixed nervous/anxious emotions. But by night, the feeling has transformed into a panic. I know it’s over. The ship is gone but that feeling of “I’m going to die”, does not ease up.

I spent my evening watching the live stream of the sinking on youtube. Several sites such as Titanic: Honor and Glory as well as History Travels do a live stream animation of the sinking. They provide visual and audio viewing of the disaster in real-time starting at 11:40pm at Titanic’s wreck location. They go over minute-by-minute logs of what happened while you the viewer, get to see and hear everything. I try to watch every year as they do discover new things to share. This year, I was able to text with my group of other Titanic past lifers and we discussed what we were doing at the allotted times. We also marked each other’s time of death in a quiet, respectful way. Ida may have been third class but she received the “honor” of dying first at around 1:45am.

April 15th, is the official anniversary, and this year, it is also Good Friday. I was able to knock off work early and catch lunch in town. Mcdonalds may not be a fancy lunch to anyone else but I haven’t been able to get it recently so I stopped by. Since Covid and all of its baloney, the lobbies have finally just now reopened and I made an effort to go inside this time. Immediately, another customer notices my “Titanic Swim Team” T-shirt and gets all pissy about how it’s disrespectful. To be honest, I’m surprised she got the reference. I just laughed at her and told her I had earned it. Figure it out on your own, Karen. Some of us were swimming in that ice-cold water.

Afterward, I kept the day pretty low-key. Can’t quite explain it, but it’s like you’re high on emotion. It takes nothing to set you off into a laughing or crying fit. Sadly, one of the Titanic Facebook groups that I am a part of, decided to cause an issue. They released a post slamming Jack Phillips, the wireless operator. They blamed him and openly mocked him. Yes, he had a part to play in the sinking, but this was wholly disrespectful and in poor taste. April 14-15th is a period of mourning for much of the world, even today. To openly attack a victim of the disaster, on the anniversary of their death is going a bit too far. There are many people involved in the disaster that I personally blame for Ida’s death. I would not, however, stoop so low as to publicly attack them on the day of their deaths.

During the week, we experienced something rather rare, all four of us in the group managed to IM and text daily to check in and support each other. The real treat, however, was on April 17th, Easter Sunday. Due to the holiday, everyone was off work which is a rarity but also, we managed to have our first Zoom/Facebook messenger meet up where we had the entire group show up. During our “Swim Meet”, we caught up, laughed, and shared what was new. We got to talk about the two new Tubi originals; “Mysteries From the Grave: Titanic” of which Paul was a guest, and “Titanic: 666” which was a hilarious attempt at a horror movie.

My cooking attempt at repeating the last third class dinner on Titanic turned out wonderful. Despite it taking 5 full hours of cooking, it turned out to be fine and tasted EXACTLY as I had remembered it. Almost made the sink full of dishes worth the effort.

All in all, the week was long and hard but somehow, we made it through together.