The Girl With Gray Eyes

Regression #8

May 27th, 2023

In May of 2023, Oceangate began their newest exploration of Titanic.

As always, expeditions to the wreck fill me with both excitement and dread. I’m always happy to see the photographs of the wreckage and how everything is looking. However, the dive teams are disturbing the graves of many people. With every photograph shown, there is an item that can be taken by the salvagers and I’m uncomfortable with that thought.

After catching Jennifer up on life and the book's progress, we began the session. There was no intro to going under this time which I kinda missed. I simply closed my eyes and relaxed. Jennifer decided to try sometime new and brought music. Normally, there is some type of background music like a meditation soundtrack. This time, Jennifer used the soundtrack to the 1997 Titanic film. One blink of an eye later and I’m back on board with the sound of Sissel’s vocals in my ears.

Jennifer asks me to get my bearings. I’m on the back of the stern. I wrap my palm around the white, metal railings at the back of the ship. It’s cold to the touch. turning around, I can see two people on the upper decks of second class. It’s Michael and Irene from one of the earlier regressions. Micheal is pointing to Irene, at the landscapes in the distance. I think they can see England and Ireland and France. Since we are crossing between so many close lands that are somewhat nearby. Maybe they can the lands in the distance. I look at where Michael is pointing but I see nothing.

Jennifer asks me how I am feeling and I’m terribly jealous. I wished I had come with someone. A sister perhaps but it would have been better than to be here all alone. I start crying over the touching of the ship, the music, and the feeling of being alone. Jennifer tells me to look at the moon dance on the dark water below the ship. I don’t have the heart to tell her that it’s daylight for me and there was no moon on the night on the sinking.

I can go anywhere so I am asked to choose a place now that I have free reign of the ship (in death). Something I’ve learned in the earlier regressions is that I can go anywhere I want once I arrive. Ida is simply the connection I need to be on the ship. I can pull myself from her and take off on my own. I go to the first class areas. I walk to the reading and writing room after climbing the grand staircase. I marvel at the furniture. I go to the tables and look at the Gerbera daisies that are on every table. They are pink and yellow. I wonder if they are real so I touch them. The petals are so soft against my fingers. The petal comes off in my hand. They are very real. I can hear men talk loudly next door and smell cigar smoke. The first class smoking room isn’t too far away from here.

I leave and decide to go to the Marconi room. I wanted to see if I can find others while I am stilI myself. Jack Phillips is at work, slumped over the desk. Harold is asleep in his bunk but I don’t bother him.  Jack gets up and grabs a tin off the desk before going outside. On the deck, he opens the tin which has cigarettes in it. I try to tip the hat off his head while he lights it up. Sadly, it doesn’t work. He slouches over the railing and smokes. I try to grab it again before giving up and letting him be. Since I am not in Ida’s body, no one can see me so it’s likely I cannot affect or speak to anyone.

I make my way downstairs back to the third class and crew areas hoping to find a sign of Henry. I do not find him but instead, make my way to the kitchens by accident. I can see the cooks and staff fumble about trying to cook for the masses. It’s about lunchtime, my inner clock says gauging the sun. One of the men turns and I can see that he’s a teenager by the look of him, young and new to the work. He mentions the vermin protection of the ships’ store rooms. The cook answers him that there is no protection. Jenny, the cat has been removed from the Titanic when it was in England. Ah, so Jenny didn’t die in the sinking, I think to myself. I leave the area as the room quickly becomes hot from the steam. This gives me a thought.

I start looking for the crow’s nest, which is a location I do somewhat know from Titanic: Honor and Glory. I cannot find it in the mess of corridors but I find something else. I find the ladder to the 4th smokestack. Now the 4th stack is a fake, meant to make the ship look more impressive. The 4th stack is used to ventilate the kitchen. It spews steam not smoke like the other 3. I climb my way to the top, reminiscent of the crewman who popped his head out of the opening in one of the Southampton photos. The steam is gone as lunch is over but the ladder is still warm to the touch. I climb to the top of it and stick my head to look around. Jennifer asks me what I can see and I reply “I can see everything!” I truly can. I can see the back of the ship and her middle. I can spot the other smokestacks in front. It’s difficult to see the bow of the ship from here. The other stacks are shoveling smoke and ash that is blowing in my direction. The smoke goes over my head but the ash does rain down into my hair. It does not hurt but I don’t linger for long. the sight of nothing but ocean brings me discomfort. Jennifer asks the time and I reply 2:45pm.

I leave the boat deck behind and Jennifer asks me to find Ida below. I merge with her once more saddened that I did not find Henry below on this trip. I know we’ve run out of time again.

I’m brought out of the regression feeling as if I’ve been under for only a few minutes. Jennifer tells me we’ve actually gone over the allotted 3 hour appointment. Well, shit. It’s never long enough.